Uncomfortable one

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Being the "uncomfortable one" to be around

Q. Do you still have tough days where you still miss Robynn?
Q. How do others treat you that have not lost any children?
Q. Do you think that you feel some of the same feelings that other parents have expressed to you?

Sometimes, I exist with a heavy heart, with a feeling I just can't shrug. Sometimes this feeling grows day by day more and more like an aggressive cancer, and a lot of times I am unsure of how to survive as it takes it's toll.

I remember a year before Robynn was born, before I even knew of her existence, a Voice (I say the voice was God) told me that I would get pregnant soon and the first time me and my husband tried, I would conceive and it would be a girl. Everything happened exactly the way I was told. I was then told to savor every moment, and take plenty of pictures. It was a principle that was instilled in every thing I did. I didn't know why and I remember feeling an empty and terrified fear because I did not know why the Voice kept telling me these things.I made sure that I made every hug, every "I love you", every shared moment count.

In November 2007 as we all know; I found out why. Currently, a year and six months has passed since Robynn's death. I was told by a friend when Robynn first died that, "the first year is hard, but the second is even harder". I am finding this to be true. Now that the shock is gone, and the smoke has cleared, I am realizing that she REALLY IS gone. This horror is real, I will never see her again as I continue to live here on earth, and it hurts like hell. Like all of my angel parents have expressed many times before, I cannot help but to think of how UNFAIR this is. Every one returns to their lives, and because I still miss my child, people want to classify me as the "uncomfortable" person to be around.

Some may label me as uncomfortable, but my life is uncomfortable now, and I was forced into this position: I can't stand the sight of hospitals and emergency rooms, ambulances, firetrucks, EMT's or their sirens. Every time I hear one go off it sends chills down my spine. Every time I see one I flash back to that day: EMT's rushing her to the back of the ambulance making me sit upfront, and me being so stunned I couldn't even strap my seat belt.

I fast forward and think of the last time I got to hug her, her lifeless body at the hospital while hospital workers stood around outside observing like this was all a horrific scene on a TV show.

I prayed to God to please take the picture of my baby's face at her time of death away from my mind, because it was too much to bear. I am thankful that I can no longer remember that.

I normally keep my peace and smile and am cheerful and giddy with all I know but deep down there is an unbearable pain that I and all angel parents bear. A lot of times we mask our feelings for the fact that others do not understand. When we try to express our pain, others suggest pills, or isolate us as friends or tell us our faith / perspective is not the way it should be because there is still pain.

Well frankly, if that is all someone can say, my heart (and the heart of any other angel parent) isn't listening to any of that.

By writing this, I hope to raise awareness,( for all angel parents) so that others will know and understand that sometimes, even the strong ones need to SCREAM, decompress, and have their own moments of vulnerability.

If you have never lost any children ...count your blessings and be thankful for what you have. You just do not know what a gift it is to not have this feeling festering inside.

In a nutshell, I hate having to say goodbye to my Robynn. For all parents that are too busy to hug your kids (and there are plenty of you) just imagine if you could never hug them again.

All I have is pictures, a few videos, and memories to hold on to now.

Peace and Blessings,
Leslie Thompson, Director

Angels in Flight Inc.

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